Thursday, 8 July 2010

File This Under 'Genius'

So my business proposal to open a nail bar exclusively for men, which employs only ex-convicts, called 'Hard As Nailz' has thus far been met with mixed reviews. I genuinely don’t see why, makes sense to me. Prisoners after all have a long historical tradition of being handy with files, only this time instead wasting their energy on futile escape attempts behind iron bars, they’ll be cleansing, shaping and buffing behind nail bars, all the while learning a trade for a guaranteed job on the outside and (hopefully) being rehabilitated. Also by employing some of the larger, scarier, tattooier* (hopefully) reformed criminals, it would eliminate the stigma which for too long has gone hand in soft hand with the taboo world of male grooming. The idea that it is somehow solely the persuit of the spineless, effeminate, sorry excuse for a man would be long gone. Trust me, no male would dare step through the door of ‘Hard As Nailz’ unless he has limitless courage in his heart and at least £14.00 in his pocket (that’s actually very reasonable, I checked.) Yup, it'll be a pretty nail biting experience alright, which when you think about it, actually works out pretty well. You and your member of staff could also have a game of that favourite penitentiary pastime (no not that one) Five Finger Fillet while your hands on he counter just to really man it up bit.

Anyway, as I say my quest to put the ‘man’ back into manicure has proved less than popular with two key groups, essential to the ventures eventual success; investors with money and more generally, people with ears. I’m a little annoyed to be honest, I had a tag line ready to go and everything: ‘Hard As Nailz: There’s nothing cute about our cuticles.’ Now all that potential has gone to waste just because of ‘obvious health and safety concerns’ whatever that’s supposed to mean. I mean it's not like we wouldn't have procedures in place for worst case scenarios. I'm not stupid. Like for example if you come to get your 'nailz' done and one of our nail technicians gets a little over excited and maims or kills you then you get 50% of the price of this visit and a coupon for a free manicure next time round. If we slash your face, then we slash your bill, that's the Hard As Nailz promise!

Nobody ever seems to like my inventions man. Gets me down sometimes, y’know? I’m only consoled by the fact that, like all true geniuses (is that how you spell that? Oh the irony if it’s not) I won’t be properly appreciated until I’m dead. Which, yeah okay I’ll admit it, if ‘Hard As Nailz’ ever opened and I went there, there's a chance that may be sooner rather than later.

*If it isn’t then it should be. Sort it out Oxford English Dictionary.