Saturday 11 July 2009

Don't Panda To Their Needs.


I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but I’m just gonna come right out and say it: I have no sympathy with the ‘plight of the panda.’ You heard me. Pandas are an endangered species, there’s only like a thousand left in the wild, and I just plain don’t care. “Boo! Hiss!” I hear people cry – which is a bit odd as there’s nobody else in the room with me...I may have to look into that later…but anyway – “How could you say such a callous thing about such a beautiful beast? The panda has been an integral part of far eastern tradition and culture for centuries, it would be a tragedy to lose it now.” Well, true, but the fact the matter is, I don’t see why I should be expected to give a monkey’s about the pandas, when even the pandas don’t give a monkey’s about the pandas, y’know what I mean? Possibly not. Last bit there got a kinda confusing to be fair.

About fifty years ago the giant monkey - I mean panda, sorry - was hunted for it’s fur, which is terrible. Around the same time, large parts of it’s natural habitat were being destroyed due to rapid industrialisation which is also awful. But around 1990, several land conservation and animal poaching laws were passed which went along way towards curbing these problems. Yet the panda remained on the brink of extinction. The reason for this? Low birth rates in the wild. Alright, fair enough, I can see how that could happen. It’s a jungle out there after all. I imagine trying to reproduce in their untamed homeland might be bit like trying to pull in some of the tougher pubs I’ve been to: You’re on the lookout for someone you like, but you’re also well aware that your surrounded by a multitude of prowling, violent, unpredictable, feral creatures who’d kill you as soon as look at you. Understandably you might not be in the mood a lot of the time. So what to do? Thus it was precisely because the panda is deemed of such importance that reservations were set up. We’ve all seen these places on the news, they’ve got a guy panda and they have a chick panda flown in (again confusing, sorry, must stop bringing other animals into this. I mean a girl panda, flown in on a plane, not some kind of weird panda/bird cross breed who can fly) then everybody waits for something to happen. Great. Problem solved, right? Wrong. Panda numbers continued to dwindle, with low birth rates even in captivity.

Now this is where the strings on my violin break I’m afraid. They’ve got every advantage and they’re evidently not interested. There species is dying, it’s handed to them on a plate and still they’re too tired or have a headache or whatever. People who actually worry about these animals have spent millions setting them up in their own little love palaces, catering to their every need, removing the stress of dating by shipping in partners and still their having none of it. Literally. No, they’d rather sit about scratching themselves and eating bamboo. Well if that’s their attitude, then cheerio quite frankly, don’t let the planet hit you on the way out. Listen, maybe they just don’t like sex. That’s fine, stranger things have happened, but I mean if the threat of extinction is enough to get one of these boys to lie back and think of China, I dunno what is. It was suggested to me by a friend of mine that pandas ‘like the thrill of romance’ which is difficult to recreate in a synthetic environment. Well it’s tad late to be getting picky, eh no? It was being so bloody high maintenance that got them into this mess in the first place. They need to learn that the term ‘survival of the fittest’ doesn’t refer to ‘fit’ in the Hollyoaks sense of the word. Beggars can’t be choosers as they say and now neither can pandas.

They’re going to be wiped out for god sake. I’m pretty lazy admittedly, but I like to think that when the human race has been enslaved by all powerful aliens, if Emperor Krooooog The Overlord comes to me and says, “Andy, we’ve noticed the your sort have been getting a bit thin on the ground of late. Now sure, we killed a lot of you for your skin and destroyed a lot of your cities to build our life globes, but we don’t want you to die out completely, we like mankind, your kinda cute and cuddly looking, especially when you eat. Anyway we wondering if you wouldn’t mind doing a bit of breeding for us. ” I might say, “Love to Krooooog pal, but like you say, we’re nearly extinct, slim pickins eh?’ Then if he said, ‘No bother. We’ll have an earth female shipped into a specially designed habitat. I believe your people call it a 'shag pad' It has all your earth comforts; pizza, TV, DVDs, stereo. You just relax and reproduce. All we ask is that you occasionally let paying customers in to observe and take pictures of you.” I’d reply “Count me in. A man’s gotta do and all that. Best start working out if there’s gonna be cameras.”

My point is the human race has done it’s part, if the pandas refuse to meet us half way, that’s there lookout. Why should we help them if they won’t help themselves? There are plenty other endangered species we could be expending our energy on. The White Rhino for example, never have to worry about that not being horny. (ahhh, you see what I did there?...Cos a rhino has…aw forget it.) We don’t even really need pandas anyway y’know, we’ve got raccoons, they’re like portable pandas. Of course there is always the outside possibility that pandas are gay. In which case I suggest they start same sex enclosures. Won’t save em from eradication, but they could at least go out with a bang. In every sense of the word.

4 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. isn't it entirely possible that panda's aren't fully aware of just how close they are to extinction?
    i mean, for all mister panda bear knows there's an abundance of girly panda's out there; why should he settle for the one that's been flown into his reservation?
    just a thought :)

    oh, and major chuckles at the rhino joke. ahaha, witty.

    x aimée x

    p.s
    thank you for following my blog.
    very sweet of you (unless you're total stalkerazzi ;p).

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  3. I warned you about this Dowling, I'm sure I threaten a maiming if this was posted again. I know him irl Miss mermaid, he's harmless, his time keeping is awful though.

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