He's Climbing The Escalator To Nirvana.

Ex Nirvana bassist Krist Noveselic is a funny sort really.  I saw an old interview again recently featuring him and the rest of the band, in which he cited people standing still on escalators as his pet peeve. He called this act 'a testament to human laziness', maintaining that if the inventor of the moving staircase (a gentleman by the name of Nathan Ames apparently) were alive today to see the realization of his vision being used for anything other than frenzied speed climbing, he would be furious.  His main evidence for this claim seemed ostensibly to be; why design these contraptions in the mould of stairs if they weren't meant to be used as such?  Sounds a good point doesn't it?  Yeah well it's not.

Now listen, before I start, I feel it's important to point something out; just because this man played bass guitar in one of the best alternative rock acts of the nineties, that doesn't mean he's above enduring my or anyone else's criticisms.  On the other hand, the fact that this man also occasionally played accordion in one of the best alternative rock acts of the nineties…well now that just might...no, I'm sorry, I just feel too strongly about this issue.

Basically, when your ascending on an up escalator you stand still.  That's just what you do, it's the done thing, it's the norm.  Maybe that's his whole point who knows?  He did used to be an 'alternative' rocker after all, so maybe his whole (admittedly slightly stoned) rant was just about corrupting that usual, rejecting the rules, not letting the bastards grind you down or whatever.  Well, if that's the case, I would say this; there's a time and a place for subverting the system Krist, and a slow moving escalator up to the Books and Stationery Department of W.H. Smith just isn't it.  Trust me.

As for the 'testament to human laziness' if that's to be found anywhere, it's in the fact that someone actually saw fit to invent the escalator in the first place when stairs had been doing their job just fine for years.  Why would someone do that d'you suppose? Simple, because the got tired of putting in the leg work. Lazy?  Sure, but you can't blame people for using something once it's there.  Yes, technically they are stair shaped, but I mean think about it, given the angle your ascending or descending at, what else could they be?  Sloped?  I don't think so, that's a slapstick, domino effect, accident waiting to happen.  Actually I'm ashamed to admit I wouldn't mind seeing that, at least once, just for the sheer spectacle of the thing.

Look all I'm saying is if you're that concerned about having the freedom to choose the pace at which you get from one level of a building to another, fine, great, by all means take the static stairs, you'll like them; they're like the autobahn in terms of indoor storey negotiation: no speed limit, no etiquette, it's all very rebellious and anarchistic.  Go on…do it for Krist! Best of luck…you know there's even a small part of me that wishes I was going with you.

But why am I even bothered?  Well it's true, I have asked myself that same question several times even in the process of writing this.  Is it worth it? He was stoned out his nut after all.  Then I remember that in the interview he stated this situation so annoyed him he was going to involve his local politician.  Surely an empty threat I thought.  More fool me though, because a the time of writing this he was a politician – a Democratic Committeeman to be precise – and is no doubt already pushing his unjust escalator agenda.  He can 'free the weed' if he must, but some things are just a handy set of moving steps too far.  Sometimes a man's got to take a stand and sometimes that stand has to be on an escalator, right smack in front of an angry Krist Noveselic, refusing to move an inch.

Of course it's worth mentioning that in the same interview Kurt Cobain did point out the possibility of utilising a one side for slow, one side for go system, an idea which I'm not entirely in favour of, for the afore mentioned reasons, but still, it's a nice compromise.  Smart lad that one. Shame really. It's true you know, all the best bands actually do make you think.